Vials

The infertility limbo is liquid. It’s bodily humors ushering us from hope to desperation to despair. It’s cervical mucous stretched between fingers, its consistency dictating when we bone. It’s five seconds of first-morning urine on a plastic stick for months, then years. It’s semen separated by centrifuge and broth seasoned with tears. It’s blood: one vial’s worth, then five, then 30. In limbo, your blood can hold the answers.
http://www.elle.com/life-love/a35974/the-infertility-limbo/

Everything about this is a reflection of the whirlwind from the last 5 years. 

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On being sad

I have been silent for a quite awhile. There’s not much to talk about. I was on lucrin injection and completed my last treatment in March. I am waiting for AF to come, do another hsg and maybe I could do IVF.

My little brother just had a baby almost a month ago. Although I am super duper happy for him, today I just felt some sort of longing to have my own. I know this must be a normal feeling. It’s been 5 difficult years of trying to keep a positive attitude and a big strong smile every time people ask me about my situation.

The truth is I am afraid of the next plan. What if my tubes are still blocked and I have to do IVF and fail. I read that the chances of doing IVF the second time with a frozen embryo has a lot higher chances of success. That is some additional cost that I do not have.

I am trying to make a difference. I invested quite a lot of my bonus this year to embark on a journey of entrepreneurship. My intention is to use this tool to help me raise more funds for the treatment. My husband works in the Oil and Gas Industry and it has not been a good year for the industry. With retrenchment happening all around, I am very worried and scared of the possibility that it might happen to us too.

All of these worries are making me feel slightly overwhelmed and a bit down. Work has been very crazy too. I am so caught up with an event that we are organizing that I am barely able to complete my actual work target.

 Maybe being busy is a good thing for me right now. Maybe I need all of these to get my mind off this infertility journey. A friend called me and said her client was having a similar problem like mine and was really down. She thought of me and how strong I’ve been and wanted to introduce me to her client so that I could help motivate her.

I realized then that I mostly suffer in silence and I don’t like to talk about it so much. Sometimes tears will flow and I will feel deeply hurt by this experience, but I don’t really talk about it with others. I’ll write it in this blog and that’s it.

Oh well, the story must continue. As usual I will end this post with a positive affirmation: I have to move forward no matter how hard it gets. Here’s to my best year yet. 2016 will be my good year. Amen

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The future

I am wrapping up my 4-week medical leave next Monday and boy I am so not looking forward to work again. I’ve managed to spend the last 4 weeks doing nothing but catching up on all tv shows I missed, waking up at 11-12pm and sleeping at a out 3 am everyday.  That is my perfect holiday!

Here’s a summary of my last treatment – I removed a 5-cm fibroid located at my broad ligaments. As previously diagnosed, I have Stage 1 endometriosis and when the doctor was running hsg to check my tubes again he had to use 2 bottles and concluded that my tubes are blocked. So my next step is to take the Lucrin injection for the next 3 months and to do another round of hsg x-ray when I completed the injection. I will then need to wait 6-9 weeks to get my period back to resume my fertility treatment. Did I mention that I have a very low AMH level (2.53pmol) which is pretty much saying that my ovarian reserves is like a 45-year old lady.

I’ve been getting a lot of respond from people saying ‘Oh so now it’ll be easier for you to get pregnant’ ‘You know i have a friend who got pregnant every year after she removed her fibroid’ etc…

Of course I am still sane enough to be courteous about it and just said ‘well it’s still a long journey, but I’ll get there!’ Usually people will make some faces when I do this and wanted to say something but couldn’t think of any comeback. So I just smile politely.

I don’t bother to explain about my medical conditions at length. It’s just too tiring. I have reached the point where I don’t care if people know that I am doing a fertility treatment anymore. I used to be all sensitive about it. Now I just say it like it’s just another visit to the GP. 

My only consolation is that now that I need to treat my endometriosis first; at least I have the next 4-6 months to figure out how to come up with almost RM20ooo (usd5000) for ivf cost. 

So here’s to the long future ahead

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New Year 2016

I haven’t been writing for so long. The truth is 2015 has been one of the hardest time for me. From changing to another fertility specialist, moving to a new job and getting more bad news about my fertility outlook, I was really in a dark place.

There was a time I felt like quitting this whole journey. I wanted to quit seeing the doctor, so that I don’t have to deal with another bad news.

I wanted to quit a life with my husband so that I don’t have to bear the guilt of not providing him a child and having to go through the pain of dealing with another pain of infidelity.

I also wanted to quit ‘life’. I was sucked into the feeling of self pity, low self-esteem and I was constantly angry at what was happening around me. I found it hard to even wake up in the morning to go to work.

Today as I lay down at the hospital room after another laparoscopy to remove my fibroid, I realized that no matter how hard life gets, I still have to go on. I am slowly admitting the fact that I still have a long way to go and I have no choice but to accept things as it is. 

So since we are wrapping up 2015, here’s my new new year’s resolution

I am responsible for my own happiness. I will strive hard to find other things that I can be happy about and grateful for. I will not let infertility to define who I am. I will become the best worker at my job, the best wife to my husband, the best daughter to my parents and the best Muslim to Allah. 

I will not let negativities surrounding me to affect my life and my willpower to keep fighting for my life and my happiness. I will be in control of my spending and not use shoppping therapy as a way to ‘cure’ my broken heart and ended up with more debts that I can repay.

Not a bad resolution eh?

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Day 38

Still no AF…no it doesn’t mean it’s because of a potential BFP, that’s just how irregular my cycle is.

Somehow after the ovarian drilling, my period is getting less and less every month. Cycles are longer and there’s no way I can predict my ovulation.

I am counting days to get my AF so that I can schedule a meeting with Dr. A to find out my next option. It’s been almost a year since I took my last shots and medications

Still waiting…

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Serenity

I just came back from this
   
 
…and now I’m having a major holiday withdrawal symptom. 

   
   I was born and raised in the city but I always have a soft spot for an island getaway. Coming home to the concrete jungles makes me want to quit my job and become a diving instructor instead. 

Life is so simple there without traffic jams, expensive handbags and frequent onlie shoppings.. Huhu

P/s: It’s been 3 years since I told myself to take up diving. Well I still haven’t signed up till now!

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What infertility means to me

Infertility is…

Hearing bad news way too often

Misinformation, ill-advised

Accepting failures more than success

Massive Weight Gain

Hair Loss

Hormonal imbalance

Unpredictable Long cycle

Predicting AF

Predicting ovulation 

Emotional roller coaster

Tears, disappointment, frustration

Pain

Anger

Accepting small progress as an achievement

Waiting

Hoping for a Miracle

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