I haven’t been writing for so long. The truth is 2015 has been one of the hardest time for me. From changing to another fertility specialist, moving to a new job and getting more bad news about my fertility outlook, I was really in a dark place.
There was a time I felt like quitting this whole journey. I wanted to quit seeing the doctor, so that I don’t have to deal with another bad news.
I wanted to quit a life with my husband so that I don’t have to bear the guilt of not providing him a child and having to go through the pain of dealing with another pain of infidelity.
I also wanted to quit ‘life’. I was sucked into the feeling of self pity, low self-esteem and I was constantly angry at what was happening around me. I found it hard to even wake up in the morning to go to work.
Today as I lay down at the hospital room after another laparoscopy to remove my fibroid, I realized that no matter how hard life gets, I still have to go on. I am slowly admitting the fact that I still have a long way to go and I have no choice but to accept things as it is.
So since we are wrapping up 2015, here’s my new new year’s resolution
I am responsible for my own happiness. I will strive hard to find other things that I can be happy about and grateful for. I will not let infertility to define who I am. I will become the best worker at my job, the best wife to my husband, the best daughter to my parents and the best Muslim to Allah.
I will not let negativities surrounding me to affect my life and my willpower to keep fighting for my life and my happiness. I will be in control of my spending and not use shoppping therapy as a way to ‘cure’ my broken heart and ended up with more debts that I can repay.
Not a bad resolution eh?